I have a secret: I want to write. I’ve been taking tiny risks to do it on Facebook. Getting high off of each comment and “like.” Look! My words might matter. I made this website a couple of months ago. It was a snowy day in Mammoth so that tells you something of the timeline. I must be an ego maniac because all that I had written since that day back in winter is the “About Me” section. I’ve written a hundred posts in my mind. Taken copious amounts of notes on possible writing points. I’ve read about writing, eaten up everything Anne Lamott and Jen Hatmaker and Shauna Niequist; some of my favorite non-fiction writers, have to say about writing. Oh how I savor their words. I hang on to them, mull over them, highlight them, but mostly just deeply, deeply relate to them. It’s like they go right through my brain and into my heart. This is what I want to do, I think: write. Write!
I signed up for an online blogging workshop back in February. And have been sand bagging ever since. It finally dawned on me that I needed a designated writing space to make this thing feel real. So I made one today and I love it. I’m one of those people who experience internal order through external order. It gave me me peace knowing if I could create some order in this one corner of my home, then maybe I could bring some order to the pages upon pages of words I’ve been collecting over the last six months. That’s all writing is, right? Collecting thoughts and feelings and experiences and stories; both hilarious and heart-breaking and arranging them in a way that makes sense. All the more if it makes something beautiful and speaks to someone. So this is where the magic is going to happen.
One of the reasons it took so long to start was that I wanted it to be perfect. I’ve had a blog before, I could have just dug it up and added to it, slapped up an “I’m Baaaaaaack!” post and called it good. But I wanted it perfect. Sleek. Professional. I’ve grown up and I wanted a grown up blog. I wanted glossy new photos with professional hair and make up. I wanted to have five to 10 posts perfected and in waiting before launching as to not look like I abandoned the thing when I went silent for three months after my first post. Then I took a surfboard fin to the face. Right between the eyes. In a foreign country. You haven’t lived until you’ve gotten stitches in Mexico. The thing about facial scars is that they make you not feel much up to caking on make up, or worse, having someone else touch the area. Nor have I felt like a close up is what I’m itching for these days, more like a mask.
And then I got a text from one of my best friends, Becky. She said that one of my Facebook posts had made her cry all over again when she read it out loud to her (brand new and oh so amazing) husband. I knew these words had mattered to some people because of the response I’d gotten on Facebook but to receive this text from her was the kick in the pants I needed. I told her my secret: that I wanted to write and that I had a blog laying in waiting to be launched. She so eloquently responded, “Kelly, launch that stuff!” So this is me, launching that stuff. Not having it all figured out but doing it anyway.
Let’s do this thing.